for context,my parents were autists and raised me in isolation from others. ive never been able to connect to my parents emotionally,we didnt talk a lot. ive lived an lonely life with an very small unchanged friend group that i havent been able to open up to much. maybe im not an actual autist,maybe im just unsocialized and lack experience with people? how do you know what you are?
I’m in a somewhat similar situation. My upbringing has been very atypical and somewhat traumatizing, and I am fairly certain that both my mom and grandfather are autists. They haven’t been diagnosed and aren’t interested in getting one, but they fit the description almost to a T. There has been some talk about whether I have Aspergers as well, but it has never been confirmed or denied and at this point I think it would be difficult for even an expert to say for sure, because everything has been so mixed together into a big ball of dysfunction. I think if I had been a boy who liked trains instead of a girl who liked horses, then maybe I would have gotten a diagnosis as a child.
I have come to the conclusion that it doesn’t really matter if I fall outside or inside the spectrum. I have another diagnosis that I could use to get accommodations, if there were any available, and I don’t feel the need to declare myself an autist. I am just quietly and privately trying out this explanation (being autistic) and the tools that come with it. If it helps me, that’s great, even if I fall outside the spectrum. If it doesn’t, then there really isn’t any harm done.
I wasn’t socialized as a child either, and one of my big issues have always been that I don’t feel like I really get it, I spend way too much energy on it and I am, for a lack of better word, always masking. Even when I’m alone, I pretend that someone is watching me and I try to figure out if whatever I’m doing is normal/okay. After I had the realization that I might actually be autistic, I have started practicing being myself when I am by myself.
I have also started being more mindful of not overstimulating myself. I can power through anything uncomfortable by dissociating, but I think it is really draining me. I learned to brush my teeth while dissociating, because it hurt. Now I can get up to brush my teeth, blink, and I’m back in the living room with clean teeth and no memory of brushing them. Obviously I still need to brush my teeth, but I have become more diligent about limiting uncomfortable sounds and smells.
Sorry for the long ramble.