I do, most of the time. I’ve always felt creative, I always have thousands of ideas and concepts for anything, be it a drawing, a song or a text of any kind, but regardless of what it is, anytime I sit down and try to make something I hate it, I hate it so deeply it disgusts me and kills any will to continue whatever it is I’m doing.
I tried to write some lyrics some days ago, it felt okay-ish until I wnt back and read it, at which point it feelt as if I was seeing someone else in the mirror: all the things, the ideas, the feelings I thought I put in it just aren’t there. It feels hollow, alien, repulsive.
I know I can’t be good as a beginner, but I’ve been a beginner in everything since I was a kid. And I kept trying and trying and trying, and every time I felt that feeling of disgust and repulsion, outrage even. I just can’t stand it anymore, and maybe “art”, or rather artistic self-expression, isn’t my thing? Maybe I keep trying to open a door that simply isn’t the one I’m supposed to open?
Did you ever feel this way and overcame it? I don’t even care about making whatever I make public, I just want to feel as if I gave shape to something I thought or felt.
Embrace the suckage.
I will never be able to create a painting like Dorothy Napangardi. But trying (and failing) made me have a deeper appreciation for her work. I can stand in front of one of her paintings, and know deep in my bones that it is far more complex than I can fully grasp because I’ve tried.
(If you ever get the chance to see any of her paintings in person, do it!)
Thank you for introducing me to her work! It’s stunning.
Ahh!! I got to see the exhibition of her work at the Seattle Art Museum and it was amazing. My graduating final project for my art degree wayyy back was all about repetitious physical marks that involve the body; I wish I’d known about her art at that time as I think it lives in that realm too.